Sonata of a Confused Life
by Strega Triss
Summary: After an exhausting day, Leia receives a mysterious envelope and the letter inside hits her hard. This is the story of Anakin's first true words to Leia, in the form of a letter.


**Sonata of a Confused Life**

Leia Organa Solo was tired, she was very very tired.

In fact, she was so tired that she couldn't even be bothered hiding it from the other passengers on her ship. She sat staring out the window of her cruiser after yet another exhausting day at the Senate.

Four months had passed since the battle of Endor, four long hard months. With the combined efforts of the victorious Rebel Alliance and many other planetary systems, democracy and justice had finally been restored to the Republic.

* * *

Life had never been easy on Leia Organa.

From a very young age she had been saddled with enormous amounts of responsibility. Too much responsibility was the opinion of many others. At the tender age of eighteen, she became the youngest senator in Galactic history and subsequently used her position to gather supplies and pass information to the ever growing Rebel Alliance. She also suffered terrible loss at a young age. Her home, her family and nearly everyone she knew and loved were destroyed at the hands of Grand Moff Tarkin aboard the first Death Star. The annihilation of Alderaan ever sharpened her resolve to destroy the Empire. For nearly four years she after the destruction of her beloved home, Leia fought with every ounce of fiber in her body to keep the Rebellion strong and the Empire at bay.

There was no doubt about it, Leia Organa was a strong woman.

However, that fateful night on the treetops of Endor when Luke told her of her true heritage had frightened her more than ever. To learn that the same person who tortured her, stood by as her home was destroyed, maimed her loved ones, and had tried to kill her on numerous occasions, was also the one her sired her ... well it was almost to much to bear.

Having Luke return from the second Death Star unharmed and whole was almost a miracle in itself for Leia. However, under the sunny demeanor and generally happy personality that made Luke, Leia could sense an underlying emotion therein also. One of intense and overwhelming grief. Luke was heavily mourning the loss of their father.

Luke had reaccounted the incident on the Death Star to Leia with frightening and saddening detail.

However, even after hearing the story of her father's heroic yet tragic ascent to the light, Leia just couldn't bring herself to forgive him.

She had heard about Luke's off-world visits from Obi Wan Kenobi and even though she knew she was far too old to believe in ghost stories ... she knew that Luke was telling the truth. Leia didn't fully understand the force but she was slowly coming to terms with it . . . and she knew that Luke's visions were real.

It made her worry.

What if Anakin Skywalker was still conscious and capable of knowing . . . was he watching over her? Half of her balked at the idea but the other half hoped against hope that he was.

It was all so confusing!

Her cruisers abrupt arrival at the docking bay jolted Leia from her thoughts. She gathered her things and proceeded down the ramp of her ship.

Once inside, Leia slumped against the wall of the turbo lift as it soared upwards towards her and Hans's apartment. As a princess and a senator, Leia had grown up in the public eye and knew exactly how to hold herself regally and properly. However, whenever she was alone, she couldn't help but relax and slump in whatever unsuspecting piece of furniture she fell on top of.

The doors to her apartment opened with a slight hiss and then closed behind her. Leia dropped her bags and collapsed onto the couch, closing her eyes. It felt blissful. Her feet and legs were killing her and to have them elevated and the pressure taken off them felt like heaven. Leia wanted nothing more than to sleep ... just sleep.

Leia woke with a start. The remnants of her dream were fading fast and she was breathing heavily, the dream had undoubtably been bad. Then again, her's usually were.

The sun was setting over Coruscant and it sent a reddy yellowy glow over the horizon. She slowly got up and flicked the switch on the coffee maker; a nice steaming cup of hot coffee was just what she needed.

She started her nightly routine like clockwork. First she picked up the heavy case that she carried to work everyday and deposited it in her room, she then proceeded to pick up Hans clothes that had become scattered and put them in the refresher. Then last but not least, she checked the mail. A slot that deposited items of mail sat right beside the door to their apartment. She put her hand in and pulled out a few items of mail. Without looking at them, she set them on the table and went to the bench where her coffee was ready and waiting.

Finally, she sat down and put her head in her hands. Her fatigue was returning fast. It was like she could never get a good nights sleep no matter how hard she tried. She always felt tired.

Sipping her coffee, Leia relished the taste of it. It was one of the few pleasures in life. Hot, black coffee. Leia Organa would be nothing without it.

While she was drinking, a nagging feeling entered the back of her mind and started hassling her. She looked around the apartment in puzzlement. What could be causing this feeling? Leia had enough experience to know that the force was trying to tell her something and she knew not to ignore it.

But what could it be.

After swiveling in her chair a good many times trying to deduct where the feeling was coming from, her eyes finally fell on the pile of unopened mail sitting on the table in front of her.

She picked up the pile and started shuffling through it. Bills, bills, bills, an invitation to a museum, blah blah blah ...

Finally she reached the bottom of the pile where lay a faded mauve envelope. It looked like it had been through the wars, the corners were dog eared, the address was only just distinguishable and it was very creased. The feeling that was nagging her was growing stronger and stronger. Some part of her just knew that this letter was important. Almost in a trance, Leia tore open the envelope with surprising ease. How it had survived this long without tearing was anybodies guess.

Inside, a letter fell out onto the table. The paper had gone slightly yellow and was very creased. With shaking hands she unfolded it and began to read.

_My Darling Leia_

_I am writing this letter very late at night while watching you and your beautiful mother sleep. I can see the impenetrable swell of her stomach where I know you are sleeping soundly.  
Looking upon the two of you makes my heart swell with love and pride. I love the pair of you so very much. Both your mother and I have agreed to keep your gender a surprise for the birth but I know you are a little girl.  
My little girl._

Horrified, Leia jerked the letter away, then brought it back to her face and re-read the last line to make sure her eyes weren't playing some sick joke on her mind.

_It sounds so right to say that.  
Call it the force, fathers intuition, whatever! But I know that you are my little girl Leia.  
My Angel._

_On a less happy note, your mother and I have been under a lot of stress lately and I worry for her an awful lot. As you know, we have been keeping our marriage a secret and it is becoming increasingly more difficult to do so.  
I don't know what life will be like when this letter reaches you but I do hope desperately that you are happy. I hope that you have a family of your own, that you have a loving husband who treats you with all the love and respect you deserve and I hope that you live a peaceful and fulfilling life my darling girl.  
I know that Padme tries to hide it, but this way of life has been very hard on her. For both of us really. Often Obi Wan and I are called away to the ever growing feuds in the Outer Rim Sieges and we don't return to the capital for months at a time.  
Whenever I am not with your mother, my heart aches and yearns for her. However, whenever I am with her, our happy reunion is always overshadowed with the knowledge that we must part again soon._

_Anyway, enough of this. I didn't write you this letter to burden you with our woes sweetheart.  
I wrote you this letter to tell you that whatever path you take in the future, always live life the fullest and if you know nothing else, know this.  
I love you and I always will. Nothing can ever change that.  
Whatever path you life brings forth; know that whatever happens, I am very proud of you Leia.  
My angel._

_Sometimes life can feel more like a burden than a blessing. Believe me, I know this. Sometimes it can be very frustrating and hard but try to stay optimistic Leia. The worst thing one can do is give in to ones woes or troubles._

_Just listen to me, trying to give fatherly advice before you're even born. I'm so looking forward to being a father!  
I hope I'm a good one. I really do._

_Just sitting here looking at Padme sleep with a small look of contentment on her face makes me smile.  
I can't wait to meet you Leia.  
I wait for the day with baited breath.  
I hope desperately that you like me!_

A veil of tears suddenly blurred Leia's vision, and she blinked rapidly. Was this from who she thought?……Oh God, of course it was. She covered her mouth and bit her lip to keep her chin from quivering, from breaking down completely, hating him so much, hating herself so much – _what_ had brought this on him. Who had…..who had….

_Anyway, by now this soppy declaration of love has probably bored you quite successfully _

She choked back a humorless, miserable chuckle at these words. She wanted so much to drop the letter and run but she couldn't bring herself to tear her eyes from the scripted words.

_and I'll leave you with one regret._

_My main regret really._

_It is that I haven't the chance to see you again or watch your life evolve and blossom.  
That alone makes me very sad.  
I have asked a very dear friend of mine to send this letter to you in your 24th year if I am no longer amongst the living.  
And if you are indeed reading this, then yes, I am dead._

_Do not despair though Leia, because even though I may have left the realm of the living, I will always be watching over you dearest._

With the utmost dread, she read the last line, feeling the brutal irony of the words and she immediately closed her eyes in agony, turning her head away from the letter, praying that this was some sort of dream.

_Your ever loving and devoted father,_

The letter fell from cold, limp fingers and hit the ground with a soft, whooshing brush before her perusing eyes even reached the conclusion: one letter. _Father._

_Anakin._

Tears were streaming from her eyes, and a horrible ache had begun eating away at the pit of her stomach, but she didn't even realize it.

_No._

_No!_

This wasn't happening. It wasn't real. It was a lie, it was all a lie. The idea of Darth Vader being in a loving and caring relationship was preposterous!

_Damn_ him to hell, writing her a letter like this after everything he had done. Who the hell did he think he was!

Thankfully, her rational side chose that moment to kick in and take control before her panicking emotions could send her in to hyperventilation.

_The only way you can find out the truth in this is if you breathe. **Breathe**__ it instructed harshly, _and Leia did, gasping in great gulps of air while attempting to calm her panicking mind.

She sat in this stuperfied state for a long time. Just sitting at the table taking huge, gulping breaths.

She wasn't quite sure how much time passed but when she finally emerged from her trance, it was dark outside. Luckily, Han was away with Lando and Chewie on some whirlwind adventure with the Falcon.

She just couldn't bear the thought of facing anyone tonight.

Her breathing gradually slowed and eased and her aching muscles began to relax again. As much as her rational mind was screaming at her to forget the words written, that it was just some sick joke, she could sense the truth in the letter. The letter was indeed, from her late father.

She believed it but……. but it was so hard.

_Who was her father? Who was her mother? Were they really married? Why did they keep it a secret? If he had truly loved her mother, why on earth had he turned to the dark side?_

Countless questions invaded her psyche until she felt like screaming.

She slowly got up off her chair and went to the bench. She filled a cup with icy cold water and started gulping it down.

She refilled it at least twice and then walked into her and Han's bedroom, dragging her feet behind her. With the letter clutched in her hand, she flicked her eyes around the room looking for a hiding place.

She couldn't let anyone else find this letter. At least not yet.

In time, she may share its contents but for now, she had to deal with it alone.

After stashing the letter in a shoebox in the closet of the spare bedroom, Leia returned to the couch. Her heart was still beating rather erratically and she still couldn't bring herself to relax. Her shock was fast converting into different conflicting emotions. Anger at her father, anger at his audacity. _How dare he_ write her a letter telling her how much he loved her after everything he had done.

_But he wasn't Darth Vader when he wrote the letter –_ a little voice whispered knowingly in her ear.

Leia grudgingly accepted this but it didn't stop her from being angry.

She was also feeling intense sadness, sadness at the fact that Anakin Skywalker had obviously loved his wife.

What had happened?

Leia knew that her mother had died when she was a very small baby ... but why?

Something or someone had caused her mothers death.

Was that the reason behind Anakin's turn?

_What about us?_- she demanded angrily to the empty room.

What about his two newly born children Didn't he care enough to keep them, to keep anyone from hurting them?

He had told her in his letter that he loved her - _well why did you just abandon us!_

_There are unknown factors in this – _her rational mind once again whispered, trying to calm her down.

_Well of course there are – _she replied scathingly.

It took a second for the reality to sink in. She was having an argument ... with herself.

_Oh Force, what's happening to me?_ – she thought tiredly.

Eventually Leia took a moment to stop thinking and give her brain a rest. Too many questions were filtering through her mind and it was driving her mad with want for answers.

It was in that quiet moment that Leia was confronted with another emotion. One that was threatening to overspill.

Happiness.

It was a tough one to figure. Feeling such emotions as anger, sadness, happiness and elation all in one go was extremely tiring.

She was grudgingly feeling happiness at the fact that her father had indeed once loved her and that he had been looking forward to meeting her.

Looking forward to being her father as he had lovingly said.

_Looking forward to being her father!_

Eventually a smile broke out on Leia's forlorn, tearstained face as the reality of the words began to sink in.

It gradually grew bigger and bigger until her lips looked like they were going to snap from overstretching.

_He had loved her!_

Once again the rational side of her mind asked herself why she cared so much.

Because……she didn't care one bit what bloody Darth Vader thought of her, even if said Darth Vader was her father.

_He was still Darth Vader for Gods sake!_

But still, Leia couldn't help but smile at the knowledge that her true biological parents had indeed loved her.

Even if one _had_ been a Sith Lord.

After who knows how long, Leia slowly moved away from the comfort of the couch and into her bedroom.

All of a sudden she was so tired ... so tired.

But then again, whenever wasn't she.

A descent night's sleep was something Leia could never seem to grasp.

She sat down on the bed with a small _thump_. She sat for a moment, reflecting on the evening before another wave of fatigue rolled over her exhausted form. Usually, one day as a Senator was enough to completely drain her but add the emotional stress of the evening ... well lets just say, she was well and truly ready for an early night. She breathed deeply as she let herself fall gently over into a lying position. Her last conscious thought relished in a feeling of relaxation. She was asleep before her head hit the pillow.

For the first time in months, Leia Organa slept soundly through the night.


End file.
